Our imagination is working memory for the creation of who we are. The words we use, the thoughts we think, create dynamic processes in our bodies. In real scientific ways, we are whomever we say or think we are. I used to like to say, “I’m such a loser.” If I am who I say I am, then I need to be more thoughtful about what I say. I’m excellent at criticizing myself. You are probably hard on yourself as most people are. Do you zero in on all of your perceived weaknesses and flaws? How does that make you feel? We cripple ourselves with self-criticism.
I changed negative thought patterns through observation. I became the watcher. When I observe my thoughts, act as an impartial witness, I don’t necessarily have to take all my thoughts seriously. I don’t have to believe everything I think, because, let’s face it, some of it isn’t that deep or kind. When I’m the benign observer of my inner world, it takes the edge off. I tell those mean-spirited thoughts to move along. When I feel like a loser and I’m in serious procrastination mode, I give myself one small thing to accomplish. Also, I don’t take rejection or failure personally anymore. I tell myself, “It’s a numbers game.”
I did something recently, and my mind was blown. I talked to the voice in my head as I would a friend. I realized my negative voice didn’t want to destroy me, and I changed my tone. I thought she wanted to keep me down. Turns out, most of the time, she’s trying to protect me. She asks, “Are you sure you think you can accomplish that?” She’ll tell me, “Don’t get used to life being this good. It could all fall apart at any time. You better not ask for more because you’ll be tempting fate. You’ll lose what you already have.” She doesn’t want me to be hurt or disappointed. The voice is negative and soft-spoken. She’s looking out for me in the only way she knows how. She’s wrong, but she’s not cruel. One day I talked to her about these persistent negative thoughts of hers. I was kind but firm. I said, “I love you for trying to keep me safe. I appreciate your efforts, but I don’t need your protection. I like that you tried to help, but I got it from here. I can handle it. Thank you.” This was easier than trying to either ignore or deny this voice. I used to get angry at myself for giving in to this self-defeating thought pattern. I don’t silence this voice, that would be almost impossible. I’m polite: I thank it for its service. (I don’t want to be sexist and assume it’s always a “she,” because it could also be one of those male voices that “negs” with light insults trying to keep me in my place and “safe.”) I also never forget this voice lies. I know why it lies, to protect me, and I appreciate the intention but not the thoughts. By addressing this misguided voice directly, I have more agency over my own thoughts. I tell the voice in my head, “Let me do my thing.” Try talking to the negative voice in your head next time you hear it telling you everything you shouldn’t try, and you can’t do.
If you’re still having a tough time changing your thought patterns, live moment to moment. Don’t worry about anything more than this moment right now. Negative thoughts only flow from two directions. The past and the future. By dwelling in the past, on mistakes, opportunities missed, anything in your life that didn’t go your way, anytime in your life you behaved in ways that make you ashamed, you create pathways you’ll travel over and over. Living in the future, land o’ expectations, is also a way to ensure discontent. Maybe you’re sad and lonely, and you can’t get out of your own way. You think can’t change these patterns. The past is choking you and any thought of a future has you paralyzed. That’s all right. The only thing you need to do is stay in this one moment right now. Close your eyes, take one long, deep breath, open your eyes and look out. Really see what’s right in front of you.
If this healing work is overwhelming, you can find someone to partner with you. There’s no need to do it alone. Find a trustworthy partner in your healing. This support could be exactly what you need to kickstart your own miraculous transformation.
Let your past help you make smarter life choices and allow your fears for the future to lead you to make your world more secure. Once you’ve done that, don’t hold onto either. Drop the thoughts and move on to something else. All it takes is practice. Don’t be afraid to release what no longer serves you. Don’t be afraid to forgive yourself.
Tania Van Pelt’s new book, Sheet Cake Diet: How to Build Resilience From the Inside Out hit shelves March 10th, 2020. Her new book is about depression, inflammation, and how to self-heal and get through tough times. On sale here and here.